My Apology

I feel a constant need to justify that I am human

I live with a delusion, that which I call hope, that if I tell you my story you’ll understand

That my suffering and my dreams and my story

That it all makes me human

It’s like this constant march to prove myself

That I’m capable, that I’m harmless, that I’m worthwhile

Sometimes I imagine the kind of person I would be if my humanity was never questioned

What would I pursue? What would I enjoy?

I live a life in service to a better world because the violence that’s been enacted upon me

But under the mission of survival that consumes me, I’d like to meet the child who was allowed

explore and be as is

I’d like to imagine a world where the assumption was that I was human

If my existence wasn’t the topic of every political conversation

If I wasn’t scanned up and down and asked to explain myself upon entering society

But instead I’m a nihilistic violent extremist

I’m a threat to your society

I’m an imposition on the world you think you need

I am everything you fear

I am everything you want

I am something less than human that steps on your toes, imposes upon the fabric of your

perceived reality and makes you question your reflection in the mirror

This is who you’ve made me to be

In another universe I am a mechanic and a chef and a parent and a lover

I’m sensitive and kind and reliable and strong and caring

I’m hard working and patient

But in this universe, I’m a cunning, clever, deceitful

An abomination of your god

I liked to meet the version of me that was always human

I liked to meet the child who had no will opposed upon them,

who wasn’t changed or altered to fit your image of righteousness

I liked to meet the child who was seen for what they were, perfect and beautiful

Because I know what’s what I am

I know I am perfect

I know I am beautiful

I know I am righteous, I know I am divine

And I think that scares you

You look in the mirror and question if you’re man enough. If your jaw is strong enough, if you’re

too fat, if your dick is big enough, if your chest is hairy enough, if your arms are strong enough

You look in the mirror and question if you’re woman enough. If you’re skinny enough, if your legs

look right, if your hair is silky enough, if your performance of womanhood was too theatrical or

from the heart

You look in the mirror and scheme about what you need to buy to fix everything you think is

wrong with you

I look in the mirror

And I feel nothing but joy

And I think that scares you

So I’m the topic of every debate

How I challenge your sense of manhood, how I threaten you

How I challenge your sense of womanhood, how I “mock” you

But may I remind you that this world of binaries only exist because you choose it

I only bring shame to womanhood because you’ve defined its borders

I only bring shame to manhood because you’ve decided so

It was never my fault for being born outside of your system

If your god only made men and women they wouldn’t have made me

Take it up with your god

Curse them, swear at them, spit at them, if that’s truly how you feel about me

So I won’t apologize for the way I am

Nor will I explain myself

I deserve a world where I am human, unquestioned in my existence

And I will make it myself if I have to